Suicide Solution — Therapy for Depression and Feeling Better

Me personally, for much of my life I have viewed the world as a foul place full of fuck-headed fuckstains. Many of whom I often have to resist the urges of smashing their fucking skulls into pieces and smearing the remains all over the pavement, like some kind of twisted art. Anything to make myself feel better. Like a sweet release. Then, just as fast, I turn these thoughts onto myself. And for anyone perceived as ‘normal’ who might read this, the first reaction is always, “Wow, you need help.” Part of that is correct. But, the “help” they often refer to is something I’ve been there and done, and it didn’t HELP. Doctors don’t care about how you’re feeling. They don’t care about the special place they are in and that they have a REAL opportunity to possibly make a REAL difference in someone’s life. No. Instead, most of them only care about how quickly they can interpret 35% of what you have to say so they can quickly prescribe you some meds and get you out the door so they aren’t late for their fucking tee off. And sadly, this is society’s typical version of “help”. No thank you. I’ll keep my money, and my dignity, as a matter of fact.

FACT: You’re the only one that knows how you’re truly feeling. It is this undeniable logic that shapes my belief that you are also the only one who can do something about it. Shrinks, meds, alcohol, hard drugs — these are only ‘band-aids’. They only slow the ‘bleeding’ and temporarily distract you. Meanwhile, the true problem persists and continues to get worse. I found that spending less time trying to get everyone else to understand how I’m feeling and spending a lot more time trying to find a resolution is the better way to attack the problem. Because seriously, what is making someone else understand going to do? How is it going to help? Hearing someone say “I understand” doesn’t solve my problem. Having them put their arm around me and hold me while I cry doesn’t solve my problem. Sure, it feels good to know someone cares. It truly does. But again, does this make your root issue go away? If so, well congrats, you’re done! And guess what? You were never severely depressed. You were just lonely, and in need of companionship. For those of us who struggle with severe depression — loneliness is just one facet of our entangled web of complexity, and it takes more to remedy our situation. I’ve spent time wrapped in someone’s arms, knowing they truly care for me, but yet still hurting inside and still entertaining the thoughts of death or otherwise escape. There is still a problem to address.

So, what do you do? How do you find the solution? Simple — look within yourself. The answer is there. It’s always there. If you don’t know how to unlock it, certain people can help. Again, don’t waste time talking to people who don’t get it. Talk to those who are already fighting the battle. Other people who are effected by this illness. They might not know exactly what specific thoughts you have or what issues are individually plaguing you, as depression tends to effect everyone in it’s own unique way. But, odds are they have a pretty good idea and can offer realistic perspectives for you to consider. But, I strongly urge you to simply look in the mirror. Your best friend and the one who knows you better than anyone else is waiting for you there. He/she is always there, ready to listen and help.

Not long after I spent some serious time laying down my thoughts and figuring out what exactly triggers these horrible emotions, I began to discover some great things. I found that there are two types of things that make up my depression: the things I cannot change, and the things I can. Emotions that spring up while I’m going about my normal daily routine, such as the social anxiety and agoraphobia I’ve dealt with since the cradle. These are natural reactions to crowds and groups of people I’m not familiar or comfortable with and is thus something I cannot change. I can’t turn that emotion off, so I’m forced to deal with it accordingly. Then, there are things that depress me that ARE changeable — such as a job, place of residence, or a personal relationship. These are things that I have the ability to control and change. If you hate your job and it is making your life miserable, leave it and get something else. Don’t be afraid of possible consequences. Your health isn’t worth the risk of doing nothing. I’m not saying just get up and walk out, not having a clue where you’re going or what you’re gonna do and let your bills pile up. Be sensible. Aggressively pursue another job, land it, THEN WALK OUT. If you’re stuck in a bad relationship that is sucking the life and happiness out of you, do your part to make it better. If you get no reciprocal effort from your other half, end it. You have the ability to make that change. Depression only takes you as far as you let it. Don’t give it an inch!

Sometimes people ask me how I do it. How do I take a crappy situation, and turn it into something positive. Where do I find the will and the energy to pick myself up after a devastating blow. It all goes back to the mirror, understanding where my problems come from, how to deal with them, and ultimately, coming up with a source of positive energy and an outlet for the negative. For me, these two things are exercise and cognitive therapy. I apply both myself. No doctors, no pills. Two very natural ways to not only relieve the toxins in the body that cause the chemical imbalance — but maintaining focus, attitude, determination, and ridding your conscience of the constant negative perspective. Essentially, a clean body and mind. This is my answer. My truth. I found it by searching deep within myself. Does this mean I’m cured? Of course not. I’m still just as susceptible of falling into the funk and stricken with temptation of suicide. But, with these two “medicines” at my disposal I’m much better equipped at handling it and making it through, contrary to how I use to deal with it (juggling the revolver). I strongly urge you to find your source of strength. Your “rock”, or happy place. It can be anything. A hobby, a responsibility, or otherwise. You don’t have to fight the battle alone. Make the choice to get with the program. Not the one everybody always talks about and attempts to drill into your head. Get with your own. Develop your own system. Do what works for YOU.

Also — I think that somewhere deep down, I concluded that ultimately the vile things I feel at certain times along with the sad blackness that still loves to follow me around everywhere I go is because of certain people and the world. And killing myself is LETTING THEM WIN. Letting them get the best of me. At that point when I realized this, I said FUCK THAT. And FUCK THEM. Me continuing to live and doing what I want to do is spitting in the faces of any and everyone who ever tried to hurt me or hold me down. Anyone who ever intentionally tries to wrong me or anyone I care for literally makes a declaration of war in my mind, and I respond ready to shred them to pieces. I don’t make my decisions based on what people say is “right”. I have no respect for society’s consensus. I don’t fear the system. I get off on beating it into the ground. This is my middle finger salute to it all. For me, life isn’t about plotting your exit. What is it going to change? What is it going to accomplish besides bringing a quiet smile to the faces of those who cause strife? Contrarily — for me, life is about how much shit you can take, and keep spitting it back in the faces of those who deserve it. It’s about continuing to move forward no matter what. It’s about saying FUCK YOU to anyone who dares stand in your way. And with that, in addition to the exercise and cognitive therapy, I also have a chip on my shoulder. Extra motivation to put the two to work.

Finally, about finding true love: Believe me, it’s out there. I don’t know exactly what’s going on with your situation, but remember, there’s always another day. Another chapter. I’ve been through the horrible feeling of a serious break up and thinking that I had lost THE ONE and there will never, ever be anyone else like them. While there may never be anyone who matches one individual’s personality to the last detail, there are however, people who can meet your personal needs the same way, if not better, than a previous person did. Don’t get caught up in the feeling that once your current lover is gone — that’s it, you’re done. It just isn’t true.